She for the first time in all her years felt like she was accepting herself the way she is. Accepting her flaws, accepting the imperfections in her like they added more colors to the grey painting she thought she was. She for the first time lived in reality, out of that bubble in her head which she thought was the world where she had conversations day in and day out with people she liked, she adored, she hated or even those she didn’t know at all. She had lived in it for so many years that she hardly could tell what is what. She could hardly recognize the reality. When she saw it, she thought may be it was a bubble in the bubble she lived that for a change looked so real. She wasn’t dreaming to be perfect, she knew the world was full of different people with different forms and various levels of intellect and unbelievable layers of truth. She knew that but she didn’t know how to accept all that she was and walk out into that world that did or did not care to see who she was. She knew she had a good heart but she thought everyone has one until she got out of that cocoon she lived in. And because she grew up thinking no one would understand her, no one would accept her, she never thought there’s one person beyond that no one. Herself. She never knew that she could be there to understand and listen and heal. She never attempted to accept herself because she was busy looking for others around to do that for her. She was flawed, her ways weren’t always right, she had a lot of learning to do, lot of colors to fill into that grey painting of hers. But there was one most important thing that she had to know, that no one told her (perhaps is it even something others are told?) She didn’t know that she didn’t have to wait for someone to enter her life with paints and brushes to fill in colors. She could set out to the store, buy the set of bright florescent colors that she eventually would fall in love with, and paint herself a pretty painting over the dull grey background that her mind had painted.
She was dwelling in those thoughts a lot, how the baggage of her past had shook her life in terms of her existence itself. How the confidence in herself had knocked itself out of the room, or perhaps even the universe. How she had given up on trusting her own memory that now it doesn’t trust itself. How she sat in that dark little room with just one wooden window carved on one wall that was shining the light inside. How even today in the brightest of rooms she can see herself sitting in that dark room. How everything about her past seems like a silent motion picture where the girl is just looking everywhere and no where, finding something or nothing, just the darts in the eye moving frantically while everything else is still. She was dwelling in those thoughts how the insecurities have taken a form of a friend she always looked for, someone to play with, someone who would always stay by, someone with such dedicated friendship to never leave even if pushed away and someone who would be the world to her. But little did she know that this world was dark, that this was a foe in the form of a friend who she cannot easily say goodbye to. And as she sat in the room full of light feeling like she was in that dark room looking out of the tiny window that showed her the world outside, for the first time, she realized that the dark room itself was the bubble her mind created for her to trap her in. There was no dark room anymore, it was a part of her mind making her feel that the room was a part of her still. And that she had to constantly look outside for the light whilst sitting in the room so bright.
It seemed like inception. Yes the movie with multiple layers of reality and illusion that one cannot recognize the real anymore. Being in the world full of light, feeling like she is trapped in the dark, seeking the same world that she is currently in but not seeing any ounce of it. She asked herself why hold on to something inspite of difficult times? The WHY. She couldn’t arrive at the answer immediately because it wasn’t easy for her say, like how easily others could have reasoned out in one firm sentence or many, clearly stating why they love, or what is it that they love. She embraced the silence hoping the other would be patient until some words came out. Because it wasn’t just about the reasons, the fun or even the joy anymore. It was much more, something that impacted her entire being. Because for the first time, she was wanting to erase that dark room illusion out of her mind, accept herself the way she is and shout out to the world with her head held high, that she owns her flaws like she owns her good heart. But not knowing how to articulate her entire life into an answer to the question “Why?”, she again just stared with those eyes grateful for the hand stretched out into her imaginary world trying to walk her out of it, but lost without words, looping back into the same old circles, hoping that that someone would understand..
moonlight memoirs 