Lockdown #61 : The letter

She sat down with a piece of paper and a pencil because she was afraid she would make mistakes. So she could erase because for her parents she always wanted to be that perfect little girl that they could love with all their heart. Little did that little girl residing inside of her understand that they have always loved her no matter how she was. With all their heart and soul.

She tried but hardly could write. So I wrote for her instead.

Dear Amma Appa,

Please don’t be ashamed of your daughter. She is kind and loving though she acts all stubborn at home. She loves you both, respects you more than anything but she has always built her life inside her own head all alone trying to be everything to make you both proud. She had dreams for herself, to be independent, to fly like a free bird. She didn’t know all she had to do was opposite so she could easily succumb to the thought of marriage and be ever ready.

I’m sorry but she is different. I’m sorry but she loves you all more than the world but she loves her life too. I’m sorry she was so busy dreaming all the dreams built for herself and you all, that she didn’t ever see, her dreams led her far from yours. I’m sorry she grew up to be so adamant about wanting to fall in love and marry only the person she loves and not enter into the institution of marriage for the sake of getting married. I’m sorry she is filled with ideologies like these, which are right or wrong I do not know. But it makes it tougher for her to yield to your requests knowing how you have all your life worked to see the day she would get married and you would give her away. I’m sorry she also doesn’t agree with the concept of girl having to be given away, why shouldn’t the guy be given away for a change? I’m sorry she has dreams of her own. To reach high credibility at workplace, to earn to travel the world, to conquer her passion, to leave a mark beyond her life, to give out love and support to others like she got from you all all her life, to strive to see a change, to inspire, to dedicate all her time to her family her passion her work, caught between wanting to serve also make family happy and make herself happy, to build her world without the help or sympathy from anyone, to buy a car and a house and shift the family here to native so she can see you both proudly roam around, to prove to those who ridiculed dad that status isn’t about money it is about hearts, to give her brother everything he wants because he means the world to her, to see joy in all your eyes by doing great things without realizing the joy could be seen by doing smallest of things just at home. I’m sorry she had all these dreams and much more.

She is sorry she never knows how to express how much she loves you both. She is sorry for all those dreams that are strongly rooted in her heart. She is sorry she isn’t able to make up her mind to sacrifice her dreams for a compromise she will have to make with a stranger yet. She is sorry that her mind is complex and she wishes it wasn’t, so that she could happily agree to your only request like most girls of age would. She is sorry she cannot help even though she understands you are telling this for the best of her, that everything has a right time otherwise it will be too late to have a family. Even mentally adjusting to a new home, as well as the biological clock ticking non stop for a woman. She is sorry she isn’t able to tell you that she loves to have a family too but not at the cost of a compromise. She is sorry that she is so adamant. She is sorry because she knows she is not agreeing to the life long dream that you both worked so hard for from the moment mom gave birth to her. She is sorry for the delay, she isn’t saying no to it but doesn’t want to rush into it without being ready. She is sorry she is causing a lot of trauma, mental pain to an extent it feels physical. Most of all she is sorry she will put you in shame though she sees how you have every right to be sad about this but she doesn’t understand why to feel shameful.

She is truly sorry for all this. But you please don’t be ashamed of the way you raised her because you did a brilliant job. You don’t be afraid of the questions society will ask because she needs you now more than ever. You don’t be ashamed of her growing age that’s crossing limits of ideal marriage age bar, because age is just a number. She wants to love and marry, if she marries because she is growing older every year, she will lose all the rest of the years in unhappy life trying to start a family in a place where she won’t be able to even see home. Don’t be ashamed that she is smart or silly to think all this, it is just who she has grown up to be. Though you are never used to seeing her fail since she always just got straight As from school to college to placement, don’t be ashamed to see her fail in life. She is learning from it and growing stronger. Don’t be ashamed of the fact that she did fail, that she once was in depression, that she took help. Don’t be afraid to break it down to the world because all that has made her a stronger person and she has helped out so many suffering through the same. Don’t be afraid to tell the society that she wants to chase her dreams. Don’t be afraid to tell that she wants to wait for the love. Don’t be ashamed to see her in your house even beyond a certain age. Don’t be in a hurry to let her go because she is scared of losing her years too but she would love to stay as long as she is ready to move out. Don’t be ashamed that she is being a rebel because she isn’t intending to be one, it is just the circumstances.

Don’t be conclusive that she doesn’t love and respect you, don’t judge that based on this one decision of hers. Don’t be ashamed to tell the world that we want to wait a bit more because if we push her into this now she will have to pretend all her life to be happy. Don’t be ashamed to see her as just her, not as someone who is born just to raise a family. Don’t be ashamed that she isn’t swayed off her feet by the idea of some man helping to lead her a more stable life than she can create for herself. Don’t worry she also knows you mean the emotional stability mostly but in rare occasions when you bring up the topic of financial stability, she feels like yelling out that she is enough for herself to lead more than a happy life. Don’t be afraid to face the world because of her now, nothing shameful has happened. Don’t be sad seeing girls around way younger than her settle down with a family because her definitions in life aren’t like theirs. Don’t be afraid everytime you have to answer the relatives calls saying she needs more time yet. Don’t be afraid to go to the family functions because you are too naive to dodge the heavy questions. (Corona saved that somehow) Instead of stumbling on words, confidently and proudly tell that she needs more time, may be everyone will understand.

Don’t be ashamed to tell she has loved in the past but lost the love, broken down badly but stood up strong each time. Don’t be afraid that in this process she will lose sight of herself, give away everything and get exhausted, don’t worry because she has exhausted herself even before but she has had much more to offer every next time. Don’t be ashamed because she still wants to hold on to her dream of finding love and exploring what it means to settle down and chase her career dreams before she commits her life to someone. You can choose to be rather proud that she wants to learn things on her own rather than walk on the perfectly delicate path laid out by you as always. She will definitely walk on that path because she knows it is all you dream of and somewhere sometimes she had dreamt of her own home too. But give her time. She knows that ashamed is just the surficial feeling and deep down you are sad about the ticking time and scared for her future. Don’t worry she is your strong little girl, she will walk ahead and make you proud. Not by getting married (though may be she someday will) but she will make you proud by achieving her dreams and giving out to the world in anyway she can. She wants to lead her own life not somebody else’s. And in that process of she meets someone she would be more than happy to share her life. And if she doesn’t meet, she’ll be fine then too, without that milestone.

She loves you both enough to agree to it even tomorrow to just fulfill your dreams. But trust me nothing will hurt her more than knowing marriage was the silly thing to make you proud of her as a daughter, of all the things she tried throughout her life just to see that sparkle in your eyes and smile on your face. Trying to fulfill those dreams she hadn’t signed in for, for the fears which didn’t originate from her, she will lose herself. Which isn’t right. Hearing this you will let her free but suffer from within, that isn’t right either. She is more than thankful for the change you have accepted coming from an orthodox family, she knows how difficult it must have been for you to be okay with the unheard of ideologies of her life, for being the understanding YOU just for her. She loves you respects you more than anything but still somehow as of now cannot agree to just go leaving her life behind and be ok taking responsibilities that she doesn’t want yet. She loves her life and she doesn’t want to sell it out to anyone random.

She knows she asking a lot from you, but deadlines cause a mess out of her. Can you please calmly wait but not in pain, to see her happily settle someday? Someday with all her heart because then that phase wont seem like a compromise for her. Until then may be she can stay with you all, like bonus years all got. And aren’t you happy about how many more coffees you will get to make for her? : )

Day 60 : Inception

She for the first time in all her years felt like she was accepting herself the way she is. Accepting her flaws, accepting the imperfections in her like they added more colors to the grey painting she thought she was. She for the first time lived in reality, out of that bubble in her head which she thought was the world where she had conversations day in and day out with people she liked, she adored, she hated or even those she didn’t know at all. She had lived in it for so many years that she hardly could tell what is what. She could hardly recognize the reality. When she saw it, she thought may be it was a bubble in the bubble she lived that for a change looked so real. She wasn’t dreaming to be perfect, she knew the world was full of different people with different forms and various levels of intellect and unbelievable layers of truth. She knew that but she didn’t know how to accept all that she was and walk out into that world that did or did not care to see who she was. She knew she had a good heart but she thought everyone has one until she got out of that cocoon she lived in. And because she grew up thinking no one would understand her, no one would accept her, she never thought there’s one person beyond that no one. Herself. She never knew that she could be there to understand and listen and heal. She never attempted to accept herself because she was busy looking for others around to do that for her. She was flawed, her ways weren’t always right, she had a lot of learning to do, lot of colors to fill into that grey painting of hers. But there was one most important thing that she had to know, that no one told her (perhaps is it even something others are told?) She didn’t know that she didn’t have to wait for someone to enter her life with paints and brushes to fill in colors. She could set out to the store, buy the set of bright florescent colors that she eventually would fall in love with, and paint herself a pretty painting over the dull grey background that her mind had painted.

She was dwelling in those thoughts a lot, how the baggage of her past had shook her life in terms of her existence itself. How the confidence in herself had knocked itself out of the room, or perhaps even the universe. How she had given up on trusting her own memory that now it doesn’t trust itself. How she sat in that dark little room with just one wooden window carved on one wall that was shining the light inside. How even today in the brightest of rooms she can see herself sitting in that dark room. How everything about her past seems like a silent motion picture where the girl is just looking everywhere and no where, finding something or nothing, just the darts in the eye moving frantically while everything else is still. She was dwelling in those thoughts how the insecurities have taken a form of a friend she always looked for, someone to play with, someone who would always stay by, someone with such dedicated friendship to never leave even if pushed away and someone who would be the world to her. But little did she know that this world was dark, that this was a foe in the form of a friend who she cannot easily say goodbye to. And as she sat in the room full of light feeling like she was in that dark room looking out of the tiny window that showed her the world outside, for the first time, she realized that the dark room itself was the bubble her mind created for her to trap her in. There was no dark room anymore, it was a part of her mind making her feel that the room was a part of her still. And that she had to constantly look outside for the light whilst sitting in the room so bright.

It seemed like inception. Yes the movie with multiple layers of reality and illusion that one cannot recognize the real anymore. Being in the world full of light, feeling like she is trapped in the dark, seeking the same world that she is currently in but not seeing any ounce of it. She asked herself why hold on to something inspite of difficult times? The WHY. She couldn’t arrive at the answer immediately because it wasn’t easy for her say, like how easily others could have reasoned out in one firm sentence or many, clearly stating why they love, or what is it that they love. She embraced the silence hoping the other would be patient until some words came out. Because it wasn’t just about the reasons, the fun or even the joy anymore. It was much more, something that impacted her entire being. Because for the first time, she was wanting to erase that dark room illusion out of her mind, accept herself the way she is and shout out to the world with her head held high, that she owns her flaws like she owns her good heart. But not knowing how to articulate her entire life into an answer to the question “Why?”, she again just stared with those eyes grateful for the hand stretched out into her imaginary world trying to walk her out of it, but lost without words, looping back into the same old circles, hoping that that someone would understand..

Day 27 Stillness

Nearly floating around

She was standing in the bus stop alone holding her bag dear because she had recently lost her belongings. Well her belongings never were hers but here I mean she had lost her wallet recently and she was holding on to her bag because of that. But it looked like she was holding on to a part of her which was parting. Which was almost biding goodbye. Was it ‘good’bye? Definitely not. Because she loved her soul and now it seemed as though she had to smile and wave to a part of it, she couldn’t comprehend why was it called good-bye when there’s nothing good about it being the end of days. She thought and she got lost. She was always lost in thoughts. Never was she completely mentally present in one place. It was like the mind had no business with the body. Like they were two separate entities just floating around nearby nearly making it to seem like one but they weren’t. She thought how sad they have to stick around each other. Else one could fly and reach places. But what would the other do really? Just stand in a place and get lost? It was no different than how it is now. She thought nevertheless how nice it would be to fly. Suddenly she was brought back to the present as she was shook. Quite literally because she was pushed here and there by the crowd. She turned around until she was looking at the same direction as she was before. She was looking for the bus. Or so she thought? Was she looking at anything at all or just staring into the oblivion? Was she able to process anything or was she just trying not to drown in the thoughts that were overloaded in that brain? I could see her eye dart move left to right and back several times, frantically as if there was something she was searching. Was she looking for anything in particular or just the answers? Answers to what? Any questions in particular or just everything? It kinda looked as if she was searching for someone. For herself. And surprisingly enough, her search did stop. Her frantically moving eyes had met mine in shock.

The follower

She.. She started getting that feeling again. The feeling that something is gonna get different. She didn’t want to think of it but she could see it. She could see it follow her everywhere. Like a shadow. Was it the same? Was it her illusion or was her shadow an impostor? How could it deceive her when it’s a part of her! She couldn’t comprehend. She didn’t have the time to. She could sense its every step. She could feel the turn when she turned, the pause when she paused and the speed when she ran. She couldn’t hear it. It was more scary because there was silence. Silence that ate up all the light, silence that screamed through the tunnels of mind. Silence that tried to reach out and tie the hands. A silence that silenced every voice it followed. That silence, which had no face but a form, an unusual one. Volatile and wild. Or raw and rough. Or all of it at different times. Who knows? May be everything at the same time. She knew it is gonna soon get near. So near that she feared it would someday seem a peer. She had no clue how or if she can tell the difference if it got into her. Would it be a smoother transition or swift? Would it look different? What does it plan on doing? Why was there a need to follow and make it dreadful when it can just knock the door? The darkness. She had no clue if she would be herself or grow into it adding to it more. Could it be more opaque than it already is? Did she herself wanna be more opaque? Does she think opaque means strong? May be it actually is a peer trying to just catch up and help? Would she stop, wait and care to see? Or would it clear the air by shredding the delusive form and finally gobbling up the gap and mind? What for exactly? She didn’t know. It didn’t know. They soon would know.